Equality :

Do we fear our individual power to choose? Maybe the lack of realizing one's own ability to choose is a conscious effort, in order to detract from assuming one's responsibility for their own actions or words.

More often than not recently, I'm finding that my experiences with others is about consistently reminding one that they are capable of converting the word 'choice' from a noun and into a verb.

One's own ability to choose is not a secret. It is the one thing that society tries so adamantly to take away But the choice to believe that one is worthy of love, worthy of respect, worthy of being valued and treasured as a human being - why do we refuse to believe these things for ourselves?

These concepts - these truths, I dare say - should not remain hidden, buried beneath the shadows. They must be brought into the light.

You are a woman          You are a man               You are a human

You are below no one   You are below no one   You are below no one

You are above no one   You are above no one    You are above no one

Do not ever let anyone tell you or anyone else otherwise. Do not tell yourself or anyone else otherwise.

"Just let yourself be bad at things. Don't not do something just because you think you'll be bad at it, because maybe you are, but maybe that's what you like to do."

- Still irksome, still wise professor

Lost in translation :

Why would someone translate 'la lengua de las mariposas' to Butterfly Tongues, versus the literal translation The Tongue of the Butterflies?

It is just so much more beautiful.

Dígame :

"You're not entitled to an opinion; you're entitled to defend your opinion."

- An irksome, albeit wise professor

227       For half so boldely kan ther no man
                For half so boldly can there no man
228       Swere and lyen, as a womman kan.
                Swear and lie, as a woman can.


- The Wife of Bath, Geoffrey Chaucer


Its female narrator takes such pride in this claim. How satirical of Chaucer.

Who are we, as humans, to question the ‘motive’ or why it ‘took so long’ for victims of sexual abuse to come forth with their stories? What if it was your sister, your brother, the kid you babysit, your parent, your mentor, your friend, or you yourself who was molested, raped, or targeted? Surely, you do not call them sluts and liars or question their authenticity. Have respect for those who muster up the courage to come forth and speak out about their abuse. And shame on us for failing to recognize the millions of others who have not or may never find their voice.

This is not about any individual instance. This is for everyone, this is for all of those who have yet to be heard. This is an issue of fundamental morality. This is not about debating the issues of victim blaming; this is about ensuring that victims of sexual abuse are not sent hate mail or called liars or sluts.

This is about supporting, encouraging, loving, and showing compassion to those directly, negatively affected by sexually abuse. These victims don’t need others’ ‘opinions’; they need to be heard. They need justice.

We cannot control what others think. I do not care what anyone else thinks, and they may not care what I or you or other thinks. But I can control what I think and what I say and how I feel, and I know that this is a situation that calls for wisdom and insight into the issue of victim-blaming that, quite possibly, will never otherwise be addressed. Until then, I find that supporting my family members, a good twenty or so friends of mine, and all the rest of the world is enough to know that I am speaking out against ignorance towards the issues of sexual abuse and victim-blaming.

I will speak up for them, however anonymous or famous their voices may be, even if no one else will.

I am a being.

I am a happening. 

I am a becoming.

I want to go, I want to see the world .

“Wherever you are, be there totally. If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally.”

—	Eckhart Tolle

“Do yourself a favor. Before it’s too late, without thinking too much about it first, pack a pillow and a blanket and see as much of the world as you can. You will not regret it. One day it will be too late.”

—	Jhumpa Lahiri, The Namesake

“My eyes were often full of tears (I could not tell why) and at times a flood from my heart seemed to pour itself out into my bosom. I thought little of the future. I did not know whether I would ever speak to her or not or, if I spoke to her, how I could tell her of my confused adoration. But my body was like a harp and her words and gestures were like fingers running upon the wires.”

—	James Joyce

“How we live depends on our relationship with death; how we make music depends on our relationship with silence.”

—	Paul Hillier

I will be making a painting of this :

“Now I see the secret of making the best person: it is to grow in the open air and to eat and sleep with the earth.”

—	Walt Whitman

“The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.”

—	Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

“Life can be found only in the present moment. The past is gone, the future is not yet here, and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life.”

—	Thich Nhat Hanh

“Last night I dreamed about you. What happened in detail I can hardly remember, all I know is that we kept merging into one another. I was you, you were me. Finally you somehow caught fire.”

—	Franz Kafka

Rewind, start over :

My problems:

• No time to study
• Travel bug itches
• Laptop runs on Windows 95 and is eight pounds overweight
• Movie theatre beckons me
• Lack of clothes

My solutions:

• Request time off during midterms week
• Buy a ticket to spend a week in a place where no one knows me
• Become a Mac user
• See midnight showing of the Hunger Games
• Do the damn laundry

Boom.

I just had a horrible realization :

As I'm flipping through pictures taken a few years ago, I'm realizing that:

• I have not documented my past two years of college very well
• I am considerably overworked
• I am the one who overworks myself
• I beat myself up over this fact
• I am my own worst critic
• My worst critic is convinced that I will never be enough
• I am the only person telling myself such
• I am not living in the present tense

How stupid to think that I'm any of the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad things that this voice inside my head is convinced that I am. I'm totally better than that (ironic example of negative self-talk).


Well, at least I caught this issue now, rather than later. Now to replace the tape with a positive, more encouraging one.

Lesson learned :

I NEED TO START TAKING PICTURES AGAIN.

Yes :

"Dear Ten-Year-Old Self,

Before you ask me when you have your first kiss or if you'll ever have a boyfriend, I need to tell you some more important stuff first. What's more important than a first kiss, you ask? Plenty. First of all, don't let that kid in your class, Danny, who called you fat, make you self-consciously wear oversized sweatshirts for the next four years to hide your body. That kid is horrible and years from now he will be boring and bald and trying to get in touch with you to come to the set of the TV show you work on. No, you don't work on Cheers. That show's not on the air anymore. That would've been awesome, though. Another thing: Say thank you, always. Gratitude is the closest thing to beauty manifested in an emotion. When you're grateful, people are attracted to you. Also: Make sure you appreciate Mom and Dad. Yes, they never seem to let you do anything now except read books. Once you turn 18 you'll never get to live with them again, and you'll live far away, and you will miss them so much it hurts. Next: Learn forgiveness and bestow it generously. Finally: Don't let anyone give you any crap. Mastering a balance of these last two will take you a lifetime, so you had better get started now."

"The fear of failing holds you back from a lot of things, yet you need to risk failing in order to succeed." 

"Wear sunscreen every day."

"Dear Younger Self, 

Don't worry so much. Time will pass you by and what you'll remember are things like the smells of summer by the beach, a home-cooked meal, and the first time your child walks or says "mama." You'll forget that boy who isn't paying attention to you and you'll soon learn that being the prettiest girl in the room isn't important, but being the most fun, outgoing, bubbly, and interesting is.When times get tough, make laughing your priority. For years to come, it's the funny moments that you, your friends, and your family will talk about. 

Also, younger self:

• Never pay retail. The item will be on sale somewhere and getting a deal will make you feel better.

• Learn to drive stick when you first get your license or you may never learn.

• Tip everyone. It means much more to them than it does to you.

• Wear plenty of sunscreen, please. And do not be a sun worshipper.

• Have a family dog. Get one that is on the smaller side. They live longer.

• Always stop at lemonade stands.

• Wait for the good guy. Don't settle, but also know that there's no such thing as the perfect man. Marry someone who loves you no matter what you look like or say or do and who knows the real you.

• Read books. Read the newspaper. It instills confidence to be able to have a conversation at the dinner table.

• If you have a good idea, go for it. Don't assume it has already been done. Never assume anyone is smarter than you because they're not.

• Most importantly: Enjoy your life. Remember, you only get one."

"It's fine to make mistakes. In fact, embrace the mistakes because you move more freely when you have nothing to lose. "

http://www.lhj.com/style/covers/letter-to-my-younger-self/

Where did my soul go ?

I have fallen victim to:

• 18 units of humanities courses
• 23-hour work weeks
• Consecutive all-nighters
• Lack of study
• Lack of sleep
• Refusal to study
• Refusal to sleep
• Inability to study
• Inability to sleep
• Dehydration
• Exhaustion
• Student loans
• Scholarship rejection letters
• Monthly payments on real-life things
• Substance abuse - caffeine, I mean
• Spending too much to support my yet-to-be-determined addiction

I have not been on Facebook, I have not touched my T.V., and 95% of my social interaction with family and friends is gone, yet it is only four weeks into school and I’ve already half-assed my papers.

LET’S GET THESE PRIORITIES STRAIGHT, YO.

Breathe. Sleep. Drink. Eat.

The irony of time :

I woke up this morning with swollen eyes from insane sleep deprivation and the honest inability to read a cumulative five hundred pages of text, compose five papers of analysis, and study for a foreign language test within the spans of three days. While my memory was swarming to capture the fleeting remains of a lingering dream that I can recall all too vividly, I became instantly aware of the six pages of empty space that currently sit before me, due to be filled and printed with words of wisdom by seven o'clock tonight.

So of course, the first thing I did was get a bowl of cereal down my throat before my stomach could protest in anxious outrage. Next, I let myself feel the fear for five seconds (this handy piece of advice for stressful occasions can be attributed to one of my first English professors). Then, naturally, I proceeded to procrastinate, if only for a moment, opening my email only to read this tidbit of wisdom:

"Consider, Sir, how insignificant this will appear a twelvemonth hence." — Samuel Johnson

I laughed. And as I sit down to complete this ridiculous bulk of a paper, you, Samuel Johnson, can be assured that that I, ma'am, will do just this indeed.

"The one thing you can control in your life is your own happiness. You can't make anyone else happy either, that is their own choice. The best you can do is be good for yourself."

- Alvin, my professor's late dentist

I have concluded that :

My laughter this morning is as justified by humorous incidents as it is a direct result of delirium.

Choose kindness :

"Nothing can make our life, or the lives of other people, more beautiful than perpetual kindness."


- Leo Tolstoy

Wednesday, 19 April, 1944:

My Darling,


Is there anything more beautiful in the world than to sit before an open window and enjoy nature, to listen to the birds singing, feel the sun on your cheeks and have a darling boy in your arms? It is so soothing and peaceful to feel his arms around me, to know that he is close by and yet to remain silent, it can't be bad, for this tranquility is good. Oh, never to be distrubed again, not even by Mouschi.


Yours, Anne

And the ticket says we're off :

It won't happen if I think too much prior to purchasing it.

Choose joy .

The Divine Image :

To Mercy Pity Peace and Love,
All pray in their distress:
And to these virtues of delight
Return their thankfulness.

For Mercy Pity Peace and Love
Is God our father dear:
And Mercy Pity Peace and Love,
Is Man his child and care.

For Mercy has a human heart
Pity, a human face:
And Love, the human form divine,
And Peace, the human dress.

Then every man, of every clime
That prays in his distress,
Prays to the human form divine
Love Mercy Pity Peace.

And all must love the human form,
In heathen, turk or jew.
Where Mercy, Love & Pity dwell,
There God is dwelling too.

William Blake, The Divine Image

J'aime mes amis :

Me: "What I love about you is that you have no shame in taking pictures of yourself."
Jenny: "No, no shame. No shame at all."

Amy: "Voici ma petite Amelie, si vous laissez passe cette chance, alors avec le temps, c'est votre coeur qui va deviner sec et cassant que mon squelette. Alors allez y, nom d'un chien!"
Me: "Je t'aime! Vous etes belle!"
Amy: "Merci beucoup, ma chere!"

Charlie Byrd, The Duck :

This is what my days sounds like today.

Word of the day :

rutilant: glowing or glittering with ruddy or golden light

What a beautiful meaning!

Anne :

"I can't keep that up: if I'm watched to that extent, I start by getting snappy, then unhappy, and finally I twist my heart found again, so that the bad is on the outside and the good is on the inside and keep on trying to find a way of becoming what I would so like to be, and what I could be if...there weren't any other people living in the world."

- Anne Frank

Teachings from a teacher :

"I always pray, 'God, you already know the answer. Help me to live into the answer, and give me strength to bear the uncertainty."


“God, show me this person not as I see them but as you see them. Help me to be for them what I am called by you to be. Remove from me my fears and my selfish desires, and show me how to love them as you love them.”


“God will rarely say to us 'stand still', 'be still', or 'sit still' unless He is going to do something.”

Amélie :

"So, my little Amélie, you don't have bones of glass. You can take life's knocks. If you let this chance pass, eventually, your heart will become as dry and brittle as my skeleton. So, go get him, for Pete's sake!"

Good things come to those who wait :

Love is patient.

Take risks :

“The very strength that protects the heart from injury is the strength that prevents the heart from enlarging to its intended greatness within. The song of the voice is sweet, but the song of the heart is the pure voice of heaven.”


- Kahlil Gibra

PostSecret :

Jazz, New Orleans jazz :

Makes me so utterly happy.

Personal Commandments Update :

MY OWN PERSONAL COMMANDMENTS :

• Be Natalie.
• Let go.
• Act the way I want to feel.
• Do now, wait later.
• Breathe.
• Practice patience.
• Take courage.
• Take risks.
• Love.
• Be in the present tense.

Since this list has materialized, I've been toying with and referring to it almost everyday in a genuine effort to remind myself of not only who I am, but who I want to become. Most [un]regrettably, I've made the mistake of sharing it with others.


I say this, not because I resent publishing the list, but quite the opposite. I've noticed that, while in conversation over the phone or at coffee, a few good friends have taken to frequently quoting such phrases. And despite my stunned looks of bewilderment, their eyes meet mine, kindly, mischievously, and gently reminding me of what - and who - I hold most dear to me.

"All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love."

- Leo Tolstoy

I'm just :

So in love with Simon & Garfunkel.