This is beautiful to me :

“

Do you know the legend about cicadas?

They say they are the souls of poets who cannot keep quiet because, when they were alive, they never wrote the poems they wanted to.

”

—	John Berger

Jeeves :

I would one day like to adopt an otter. His name will be Jeeves, he will have a monocle, and will wear a red bow tie. He will reside primarily on my shoulder, learn to scat in eight different languages, and will spend his free time making lattes, reading Tolstoy, and playing the triangle with his tail.

This is the second instance in which I nightmare about the Joker invading my dreams and terrorizing everyone in them. It's a bit disconcerting to know that my brain writes more terrifying horror stories than what is actually found in comic books.

Do, give

What being American means to me:

American modernism as defined by:

• Art
• Literature
• Jazz

"In another country, she would be a decent woman. Here, she begs and perhaps sells herself. Her tragedy is repeated million times over in this city. What then must we do? We must give with love to whomever God has placed in our path."

Lists :

I found this list that I wrote about a year ago, within the confines of my English notebook:

***

"What you think about, you should do."

* What do you want? :

• Travel abroad
• Drive about Spain and EAT. FOOD.
• Sit atop a roof in Greece, overlooking the ocean
• Visit the Monterey Bay Aquarium
• Obtain my masters degree
• Get married
• Help others
• Stay in shape when I'm older
• Read books and novels
• Move away from my current city
• Go hang-gliding
• See waterfalls in Croatia
• Take figure drawing classes
• Photograph well
• Make people think
• Empower the weak
• Love God
• Serve others
• Live by the ocean/sea
• Love others
• Write
• Keep a journal/photodocument
• Do well in school
• Talk about/learn about sociological perspective on sex and sexuality
• Learn and study the Bible
• Drink teas
• Be loved
• Road trip
• Educate others
• Create awareness
• Instill passion
• GIVE
• Have money to give
• Have money to pay for school
• Be pursued
• Wear/buy rain boots
• LOVE
• Learn about:
• Philosophy
• English
• Humans
• Ethics
• Sexuality
• Gender
• Ethnicity
• Cultures
• See Jamie Cullum live once more
• Go to a jazz club
• ART:
• Do
• Make
• See
• Treasure San Diego

***

It's nice to be reminded of myself, to myself, from myself.

I need to :

draw

sing

write

make art

dress well

More frequently.

"The call of God is like the call of the sea— no one hears it except the person who has the nature of the sea in him."

- Oswald Chambers

3 Weeks Time - A Stat[u]s Update :

Depending on how well I failed my final (as in, if I get an F, an F-, or an F+), this grade will solely determine if I pass with a C or retake the statistics course with a D. This means a lot of things to me, because there are so many sides to this story:

What getting a D in statistics means to me:

• Retaking stats in the spring semester
• Not being able to study abroad in Oxford
• Keeping my job at Starbucks come spring semester
• Having to explain myself to intimidating, prestigious schools including Berkeley, UCLA, and Occidental via college applications and assure them that this stats grade does not reflect who I am as a person, a student, an English major, or future teacher
• Taking more classes I've wanted to take during the spring semester, if I have to stay at school to retake the course
• Being able to attend my best friend's wedding - (this is the BEST aspect to it all)

It's so odd how there seem to be so many good things that come along with me sticking around another semester. I don't know, though, I'm not sure. Who knows? Jesus, maybe.

What getting a C in statistics means to me:

• PASSING
• Not retaking stats
• Last math class ever
• Studying abroad in Oxford, possibly
• Missing my best friend's wedding - (this is the WORST aspect to it all)
• Losing the worry/stress/anxiety of taking math over again and having my 'plans' "ruined" (emphasis on both, separately yet together, because I know that God has a plan for me that always seems to be a thousand times different than my own)

Hours of contrived, yet positive self-talk, reexamination of life and priorities, and a lot of thought and conversation with and at God, I can honestly say that I am at peace with either scenario. Though I may be disappointed with the ultimate outcome, I have know that I have given this stats class my all and everything this summer; it has taken precedence over so many things. I worked so hard for the seemingly terrible test grades I earned, have spent too many hours of the early morning completing homework, have exchanged sleep for too much studying. I spilt tears of joy over my first C- on my second to last test, and my first B on my last test. It has cost me energy and time with family and friends, but I have completely dedicated my time, focus, determination, and concentration to this. And if that means I am a D student in statistics due to failing a final, if that means that I have to retake it during the year in order to better suit my individual learning needs and satisfy my intense need for office hours, I am okay with that.

I have no idea where I am going or where I will be, but I am somehow convinced that God knows what's up. At least, that's what I call faith. It's a shame I can't calculate the total possible ways in which God could rearrange my life using a combination or permutation formula. Even if I could, I'm sure the possibilities are endless and quite infinite.

Despite all of these things, despite all of the above and everything else unsaid, I need to revive myself from this hell that has been my statistics course. So, with all of this said, in the next three weeks preceding my beautiful, amazing, exciting, wonderful, humanities-infused fall semester, I will gladly and diligently complete the following tasks:

• See a film in theatres
• See in a film in bed
• Finish One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and finally watch the movie
• Buy textbooks for fall semester
• Go to the beach
• Go to Disneyland
• Take a long shower
• Get a massage
• Download iTunes library to MAC
• Clean and reorganize room
• Do all of my laundry
• Go to the Huntington Library
• Go to the San Diego Zoo and/or SeaWorld
• Get coffee with my best friend
• Sort and donate clothes
• Visit Anthropologie for fun
• Grab dinner with my English professor
• Burn new CD's for my car
• Light a candle in my room
• Let myself live in Barnes & Noble (for at least an hour or two)
• Sleep

Thank you for your concerns, prayers,  patience, help, and much needed and much appreciated encouragement. Here's to the remnants of what has been statistically significant summer!