Because I can, I will, I am :

Years from now, years from this moment in time, I will look back and smile slightly at the thought that I never knew where I was going, yet I ended up there anyway. I will remember how I fretted anxiously over all the menial statistics assignments I had to complete - rather, I won't be able to recall any of them.  I won't remember my GPA, I won't remember how the hell I got through writing all those essays for college admissions. I will remember the stress, the anxiety, the nervousness, the terror of waiting and not knowing. But because my life will have happened, perhaps in a way better than I could have possibly imagined or expected it to, I will be sitting and smiling back at myself, remembering all the professors who believed in me first. How I came to believe enough in myself to get myself somewhere, somewhere where I could become enabled to help others. I will be helping others, I know this. I may have a family, I may not. Perhaps I will have finally dated someone, perhaps I will still be alone without being lonely. Maybe loneliness will become my company. I'll have a dog or a cat, if I live alone, or a roommate; I won't be living alone. But I'll remember back unto the days of college, where I was shifty and inconsistent, yet eager and ready to learn and grow and develop and plan. How I barely had the confidence to get through to the next day while others expressed their confidence in me. How I never believed, and still find it hard to do. But one day, I became successful in my own right, not overnight. How student loans sucked me dry, yet I managed to make it, even if I was eating bread and cereal. How I made those moments romantic, savoring every drop of milk, every measly crumb. How I knew I never would be homeless, that my parents would never let me. And look at me, I am not, I am living somewhere. I'll remember the thoughts I had about living in an old, rundown brick apartment building in a city someplace like New York, which I never wanted to live. I'll remember the glistening strands of lights that I wanted to put up, to light up a bit of the part of my life that I did have control over. That I chose to be happy and joyful and positive and optimistic and trusting of others. How that got me to the place I needed to be, rather than pursuing a path of negativity, pessimism, hopelessness, a faithless approach to humanity. I'll remember the times I cried hot, frustrated tears that simmered on my face as I flipped through the papers I was convinced I could have done better on. I'll remember the minutes I spent in front of the mirror, putting shades of red and purple on my lips and pairing it with a neon green sweater. How I didn't care, I just wanted to feel comfortable while I diligently did my homework in a faraway town. That in my spirit, there was a restlessness - there is still a restlessness - a yearning, a hope for a dream in a place just outside my grasp, yet it vibrates and buzzes as it closes in to my fingertips. The future, how I desired that so deeply and greatly. The reality that the future held bills and deaths and unexpected unions of people and things, the future that held failure and success and an extraordinary sense of feeling lost. The moment, the moments I felt found. The people I found myself in, the people who found themselves in me. The times I held on without knowing why, without understanding how there could be another step to take, and the after effects of taking that step into the dark unknown. When I realized that the dark unknown was not always dark, or most surprisingly, not always unknown. That my travels never really did help me find myself anymore than reading coffee grinds or tea leaves would, but the experiences I collected are still evidenced in my very being, my thought processes, my friends, my love for others. That the life that seemed so promising would always fail me, too. But that I made it, at least to this point, that I made it somewhere, farther, so much farther than I ever knew I could or would. That I would never come to read all the books I meant to, that I would never return every phone call that I thought I would, that I would never have a chance to love every person I intended to, that I would never remember to brush my teeth every night. But yet I have arrived, not in to the future, but into the present, and I will realize that my future, my life, my heart, the parts of myself that I worried over day in and day out, years later - these are the vital parts of myself that I will realize in this moment, they were always going to be alright.